CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE WORST KIND

My Experiences with “Artificial” Intelligence

I just finished printing the final draft of my Masters Thesis. It is a 150 page blah-blah-blah on the applications of Artificial Neural Networks(ANN) in Real Time Tsunami Warning Systems. As I culminated my report wondering at the Marvels of ANN and AI, I cannot but overlook the reminders that life has consistently given me, that all machines are definitely “gifted” with some sort of “intelligence” on their own, and its mostly the vindictive kind. There is no denying the fact that all machines act on their own free will, especially the printer that you are so desperately trying to cajole into somehow eke out the last few remaining pages of the report that you need to submit by the end of the day.

The personal computer is an established villain. As the report and the associated deadline draw to a close, the processor will become slower and slower. Your image editor will automatically start distorting your graphs, thus establishing new corollaries, sometimes quite the opposite of what you have been trying to prove for the past year. The text editor will refuse to align the text the way you want it to, the fonts will keep changing their avatars and the page numbering will give you a new lesson in arithmetic. The printer is the worst of them all, A scheming little fella who plays the humble servant most of the time, but chooses the most inopportune moment to display his “right to self determination”. My lab has a Laser Printer who, I am convinced, is an incarnate of a striking Japanese shoe company worker. “When on strike, don’t stop production, just produce only left leg shoes” is the Japanese trade union adage. This bugger pretty much follows it to the word. When the submission fever hits the lab, he starts printing multiple copies of even pages, but ignores the odd pages. You therefore have no choice but to print one document at a time. If you think that was the end your problem, think again. After spitting out several blank sheets, he begins to “express” himself in his own unique language and you will now need a decrypter as good as the “Enigma” to decipher your thesis. When he finally does start printing, he remembers his ravenous appetite suddenly and starts gobbling your papers. No one told him that “Paper Jam” is actually an error and not his favourite processed snack. You are now wrestling with him to convince him otherwise, replying to his cocky noises with the choicest of swears. By the time that dawns on him, he is really furious and what better punching bag than that spotless sheet of white paper.!!!!. You realize that he now suffers from an extreme form of paranoid schizophrenia coupled with Multiple Personality Disorder, when he suddenly starts imagining himself to be this savage Shredding Machine. Ranting and swearing only makes things worse, emphasizing the truth that when you are faced with most ruthless of them all, Discretion is definitely the better part of Valour. So, by now you are on “all fours” begging him for forgiveness and you have shot out prayers to just about anyone who closely resembles the god of machines. If you are lucky enough to appeal to his kinder side, he might just budge. But then, not only is he intelligent but is also gifted with extremely sharp senses. After hours of standing and struggling, your knees wobble a bit and you just “look” for a chair to sit down and continue printing, and lo!, the nightmare starts all over again and will only stop if you stand up “respectfully” and feed him one paper at time. Not only are printers ruthlessly vindictive, they are fine actors as well. When the Maintenance man finally answers your desperate calls for help, the printer will never fail to embarrass you. You might actually fool yourself into believing that he has mended his ways. But just wait for the maintenance guy to leave and its Show Time Again folks!!!!
I used to own an Epson deskjet ( I should say, I used to think I owned him, until he put me in my rightful place) and he was the worst rogue. He did all that his distant cousin in my Lab does, and whats more, he even hit on my wife!!! After a nightmare on submission eve last year I cribbed to her and she obviously would’nt believe me. She comes home and operates him, and there you witness the nicest, kindest, most friendly device ever known to man. And whats more, he does that every time she “works” on him!!!! Now that’s potential marital discord for you.

There are some stupid people, specially in the scientific community who believe that with focused research, they can build machines with intelligence. You don’t need to do focused research to discover that!! Those who have a report to submit, beware, there is a savage and intelligent beast right on your desk, lurking very quietly like a Velociraptor, waiting to pounce on you.