With due apologies to Milan Kundera, (there is a theory that Tomas, the perennially confused lead in Kundera’s masterpiece, was actually inspired by a Non resident Iyer by the name Somas alias Somasekaran, and if you are wondering whose theory that is, no prizes for guessing, it is mine!!!), this is an honest effort to fit a description to an Iyer.
Foreword : For all practical purposes, Iyer=IyengarThe Iyer Job Using Probability TheoryGiven a set of “equally” likely events, the probability that one event is “more” likely than another is true if the two events in contention are
a) An Iyer moves to New Jersey
b) An Iyer Stays in Chennai
Given a set of equally “unlikely” events, the probability that one event is “more” unlikely than another is true if the two events in contention are
a) An Iyer joins the Armed Forces
b) An Iyer stays in Chennai
Iyer’s theorem of conditional Probability
Event A = Person is an Iyer
Event B = Person works in the US
P(B/A)>=P(A) !!!!!!!!!
Given the Condition that a person is an Iyer, the probablity that he/she works in the US is greater than the probability that he/she is an Iyer.
Also
P(A∩B) ->1 as t-->2050 AD The probablity that a person is an Iyer
AND He/she works in the US tends to 1 as Time tends to 2050 AD.
The description of An Iyer is never complete without talking about his Food .
The Iyer Food : - Using Pink Floyd(A tool frequently used by several iyers as a substitute for and sometimes in conjunction with various forms of distilled barley water***!)
a)
The Dark Side of the Dosa (read Moon) always tastes better when dunked in a
Saucerful of Sambar(Read Secrets) .
For the only connection between Dosa and Moon, (its obviously a Tamil connection) please put yourself through the rather painful experience of watching Pratap Pothen and Radhika playing a couple of mentally ill lovebirds in
"Meendum Oru Kadhal Kadai!!" The moon, my friends,
‘Kadavul sutta Dosai!!!’The “Secrets” of the “Sambar” have been documented religiously by the ever so popular
Lakshmi Ammal in her culinary treatise
“Samaithu Paar” translated and published as
“Cook and See” and has found its way to most modern day Iyer kitchens (specially the English Version).
b)
A Momentary Lapse of Rasam (probably due to failure to buy MTR Rasam powder in time) can be made good by the
Delicate Sound of Thalichi Kottina Kadugu sizziling on some freshly made thayirsadam. ("Pasi Konda Neram, Thallikum Osai, singara sangeetham"- Vairamuthu)
c) When all efforts to make good fail, call mom and say
“Wish You were Here”!***Note : For the inspirational effects of Distilled Barley water(or other Malts) on musical creativity, please listen to the genius named Maharajapuram Santhanam Iyer (not many of you know what his kooja contained I guess!!)
The Big Fat Iyer WeddingThere are only three possible Venues for the wedding
a) Chennai
b) Chembur (in Mumbai)
c) Bridgewater
a) Either the Groom or the bride have to be an iyer, but its more fun when they both are iyers
b) The bride(iyer or otherwise) will have to go the
“Whole Nine Yards” (Not the Mathew Perry starrer, I meant the
“Madisaar”)
c) Kids will appear from nowhere to climb onto the oonjal meant for the couple.
d) The couple’s so called viradham(Fast) is more than broken by every lady in the household who insists on stuffing them with Paalum pazhamum. 2 male kids will promptly get off the oonjal to try and catch the “Laddu’ like balls that are thrown around by the elderly women.
e) The attention will stay focused on the couple only till the “thaali kattu”, when the crowds will throng the dias. Within minutes after that, only the couple and vadhyaar can be seen, the rest including the parents will mysteriously vanish and will not be traceable until lunch.
f) No matter which family is involved, one “Ambi” mama and one “Mani” mama will always appear to bless the couple.
g) A pair of “cauliflowers” will be thrust into the hands of the couple at the time of the reception.
(To be Continued……………………………)
